So, I'm not trying to be existential about this at all... but to be quite honest with you. I've been VERY VERY lonely lately....There are many superficial reasons I easily cite to my friends as to why I'm feeling lonely, most times its because I don't have companionship (i.e. a girlfriend) or that its tough living in DC when all my friends are linked and live in the burbs. But then I began to think about where I am now as to where I was about a year ago, and I think I should be thanking my lucky stars right now cause really I'm at a place that I have worked VERY HARD to be in....
1. I live on my own
2. I am making music
3. I graduated
4. I have a job that allows me to follow my personal pursuits
5. I've been dating around here and there
6. I exercise (biking is the shit)
7. I can afford to buy stuff once in a while.
8. I have friends who love me
9. I have spare time
Yet the question remains... "Why am I so lonely?"
1) I think a part of the answer is that I feel very privileged and am not going through an immediate 'struggle' at the moment. There were dragons to slay, issues to deal with, conflict all around me with school, family, and life that gave me a reason to be pissed off, angry, and ready for war!! I'm feeling very much a part of the ivory tower and I'm being rewarded by being sold out to the mainstream... everyone likes me cause "I think outside the box" and so they bring me in, pay me well, and yet expect me to follow their rules... even though it was breaking their rules that allowed me to think differently. But now I feel tainted, co-opted, and like a commodity.
2) Another reason is I feel like a social misfit. With albinism, being 30, single, not making crazy DC sophisto money, an americanized Latino, legally blind, religiously stale, non-conformist, an anti-guy kinda guy, and so forth... there are a lot of things that I don't do which would be easy conversation pieces or points of entry to finding a girlfriend... I don't watch TV, I make beats - I don't have cable, I blog - I don't watch sports, or any of that sheep shit that makes people drones.
3) Last reason, to be honest... I'm afraid of dying. I find it to be such a waste sitting around watching "Seinfeld" knowing that there is so much shit out there to do and here I am eating frozen pizza and watching actors, producers, writers, musicians, doing their thing and my absorbing and doing absolutely nothing. What a waste to be sitting around watching movies on cable you've seen a million times... this is the height of western civilization.
So now that I've stopped bitching, I need to find something to pull me out of my muck. Folks suggested finding hobbies, adding value to my own sense of worth, and so forth... that is cool and I'm working on it. I did read an article today about being Black and single... which is a huge social phenomenon, especially for Black females as there are social issues that directly affect the fulfillment of personal and social expectations but one must find methods of overcoming these social factors. The resolution the author shares at the end made me feel a whole lot better... its about being my own timetable, my own time clock, not allowing the fact that there is alot of bullshit out there in the world, shouldn't hold me back from doing my own thing.
But sometimes it just gets lonely....
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